Wiping away the bitter tears shed over years of being fooled by Li Xun, I opened the journal.
“Zhenming Year 7, Fourth Month, Thirteenth Day: Mother told me Father has arranged a marriage for me—the eldest daughter of the Duke of Jianghuai Manor. I’m a bit worried. They say daughters take after their fathers. Will my Crown Princess be as fearsome as General Liu?”
“Zhenming Year 7, Eleventh Month, Second Day: She came to the palace to visit Mother. Afraid of being impolite, I had Eunuch Zheng help me peek over the wall to see her. She was like a little pink dumpling—so cute! I wish I could hug her. I heard her name is Yan. Liu Yan. It sounds lovely.”
I couldn’t help but smile.
Who would have guessed that the ever-calm and elegant Li Xun had once been such a lovestruck fool?
Curious, I read on.
“Zhenming Year 11, Second Month, Second Day: Mother is growing more anxious. She keeps apologizing for finding me such a ‘tigress’ of a wife. I don’t mind. Every flower has its own scent, and my Yan’er should be herself. The only thing I’m not happy about is how slow time passes. After all these years, my Yan’er is still just a girl.”
“Zhenming Year 12, Third Month, Fourth Day: I went to watch the polo match. She was like a little sun. Even in the crowded field, I recognized her at once. Eunuch Zheng advised me not to go because of my health, but if I don’t go, and she doesn’t attend the banquets, how else will I see her?”
“Zhenming Year 14, Third Month, Third Day: My Yan’er is coming of age. I was so happy I couldn’t sleep all night. I’ve waited so long—finally, I can marry her.”
“Zhenming Year 15, Sixth Month, Second Day: My spies told me Yan’er wants to run away. I’ve waited for her, loved her for so long—how can I just let her go? For the first time, I ignored propriety and went to Jianghuai Manor to see her. I hoped she would return my feelings. But Yan’er doesn’t like me. To keep her, I lied. Well, not entirely. I don’t just like her—I love her.”
“Zhenming Year 16, Twelfth Month, Seventeenth Day: A blizzard rages outside. Yan’er, in red, is like a ray of sunlight breaking through the storm. If a person must see beautiful scenery in their life, then Yan’er in red is the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen. I tell myself: if I work hard enough, maybe I can keep this beauty in my life.”
…
The journal went on, recording even the smallest moments between Li Xun and me. Every kind word I’d ever spoken to him was written down.
My heart ached as if squeezed by an invisible hand. I wanted to cry.
I hurriedly flipped to the last few pages, eager to see what Li Xun had written—what I had missed.
“Zhenming Year 17, Tenth Month, Eighteenth Day: Yan’er and I have a child. Hearing the baby cry, I nearly wept. At last, there is something that binds us together. I named him Ning, hoping he will live a peaceful, uneventful life. But looking at this child who resembles me, I’m still not satisfied. I want a daughter—one who looks like Yan’er.”
“Zhenming Year 19, Second Month, First Day: Father told me he’s stepping down. I understand—he’s giving me a chance. A chance to truly get close to Yan’er. But I’m afraid. Afraid I can’t even hold onto this superficial happiness. Afraid she will leave me. When Yan’er heard the news and started bustling about, I realized that after all these years, I still can’t become the reason she stays.”
“Kangming Year 1, First Month, First Day: An auspicious day, but I’m not happy. I sent guards to bring Yan’er back. I thought, even if I have to force her, I want her by my side. But when I saw her, my resolve crumbled. I can’t bear to make her hate me. My Yan’er is meant to soar like a phoenix. I kept her caged for too long. It’s time to let her go.”
“Kangming Year 1, Third Month, Third Day: Today is Yan’er’s birthday. She always thinks birthdays are a hassle. I wonder if she’s eaten longevity noodles. I asked General Liu to give her the Tiger Tally. I’ve realized that loving someone means letting them go. May my Yan’er live a long, happy life, free as the wind.”
I’ve always hated crying, especially in front of others.
But that day, I cried until my eyes were even puffier than Eunuch Zheng’s.
“Didn’t you let me go? Why show me this?” I choked out.
Eunuch Zheng shook his head. “This wasn’t His Majesty’s idea. It was my own. His Majesty has been waiting for you, from youth until now, without pause. To be honest, I’ve always disliked you. I thought you didn’t deserve his devotion. More than once, I wished another woman would come and steal his heart.
“But it never happened. Still, I couldn’t let His Majesty’s feelings remain hidden. Whether you come back with me or not, I wanted you to know—how much he loves you.”
I was speechless, my throat tight and dry.
The wind howled around me, tangling my hair and stirring my heart.
Memories of Li Xun flooded my mind. Somewhere along the way, he had become an inseparable part of my life.
I smiled at Eunuch Zheng, who had always been cold to me.
“You old dog, you finally did something decent!”
Eunuch Zheng, watching me ride off, called after me with hope in his voice:
“Your Highness, are you coming back to the palace?”
I laughed and, in the spirit of a grand reunion, shouted back:
“Dream on!”
Eunuch Zheng: As expected—only you could be so shameless!
I turned my head again.
“Just kidding!”
Eunuch Zheng cursed:
“You little devil!”
I spurred my horse onward, racing across half the empire in a single night.
I was exhausted, but my heart urged me forward.
My father had only been half right. My longing for the frontier had been more of an obsession than a true calling.
I had been too slow to realize that obsession had long been melted away by Li Xun’s love.
That journal showed me not just Li Xun’s heart, but my own.
I love Li Xun.
I love him so, so much!
Before I even reached the palace, I found Li Xun.
He was still living in the Eastern Palace. Though he was now emperor, he wore plain clothes and sat at the desk where we once practiced calligraphy together.
The only difference was the mountain of memorials threatening to bury him.
Hearing my footsteps, he didn’t look up, just said softly:
“Yan’er, you’re back.”
“How did you know it was me?”
Li Xun set down his brush and raised his head. I saw then that he was only pretending to be calm—his eyes were red-rimmed.
“I’ve been waiting. I’ve been writing.
“Yan’er, I know everything. Except whether you like me.”
“Li Xun…” I rushed forward.
“I…” His eyes, full of disbelief, reflected my face.
I don’t know any flowery love poems, so I could only show him with a kiss.
I’d never felt so deeply before. Like a spark setting the prairie ablaze, I burned away Li Xun’s fear and hesitation.
Tears slid down both our cheeks and fell heavily into our hearts.
“I’m here.”
This time, it was my turn to say it.
Just those two words shattered Li Xun’s icy calm.
His tears wet my neck as he trembled.
“Yan’er, I thought… you really didn’t want me.”
I wiped his tears and smiled gently for the first time.
“Li Xun, I came back to tell you—you lost the bet.
“I don’t like you. Not at all.”
His face paled.
But my smile didn’t fade as I kissed him again, tender and lingering.
Gazing into his eyes, I whispered:
“Just like you, I love you.”
In that instant, spring thawed the ice in Li Xun’s eyes.
We both understood—we had found our home in each other.
“For you, I’m willing to stay.”
But Li Xun shook his head and smiled.
“No, Yan’er, I told you—I want to let you go.”
He paused, his smile deepening.
“No, I want to let us both go.”
Before I could react, the retired emperor—my father-in-law—stormed in, cursing up a storm.
Apparently, when you’re ruthless, you’ll even curse yourself.
The retired emperor pointed at Li Xun’s nose and yelled that his son was even more shameless than he had ever been.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
Li Xun smiled as he tied up my hair.
“I abdicated. Ning’er is emperor now.”
I gasped.
“Li Xun, be a decent person! Your son isn’t even three!”
He patted my shoulder reassuringly.
“That’s why I asked Father to come back and help him. This way, I can go to the frontier with you, and we won’t have to worry about scheming ministers.”
I glanced at the retired emperor, who was stomping his feet outside.
“He agreed?”
The old man had been desperate to retire. Would he really accept this forced return?
Li Xun’s smile was angelic.
“I told Mother that her grandson misses her.”
I had to laugh—a masterstroke!
“And I also said…” Li Xun’s voice grew husky.
“Hmm?”
“That next year, she’ll have a granddaughter to look after.”
“So?” I teased.
“We have work to do.”
Our fingers intertwined, our hair tangled together—nothing but tenderness between us.
Is there a way in this world to have it all, to never betray the heart or the soul?
For us, it seems, the answer is yes.
END
Chapter 05
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